TwentyTen

I started an email to Lauren right before I left for work last night.....
It also doubled as my sort of "New Year's Chronicle".
*Some parts have been altered for public viewing

I'm starting this email just as I am about to leave for work (late because I busted a button on my pants hahahha fatty)
730pm- don't feel like going. Just want to be fat and eat cheese and drink coffee all night.
Speaking of cheese... I also got that on my pants. Goat cheese. Haha nice.
What a pig I am.
Your sleeping in 2010 and I'm fat and covered in cheese in 2009. Perfect. Just perfect. Haha
845- I'm here at the bar. Its a load of frat brother tool boxes with tuxedos on and wanna be OC girls with cake faces.
I'm being extremely negative even though I am happy and laughing my ass off presently.
Notorious BIG is on and the bar smells like red bull and puke already. Gonna be a long night.
945- blackstreet is on and my belly is bustin with chinese food. Sweet and sour chicken all day errrrday. Haha I'm hiding outside under a canopy (its raining pretty steady out) and smoking. Ideal employee. Obviously.
Can't wait to get this money yoooo.
And so.... I ramble on.
1115pm- its bananas in there. Packed. 300 people at least.
Total crap music. Miley cyrus was just on and bitches were going CRAZY dancin and singin. Too many shots being consumed by people tonight. Who's going to drive all these drunks home?
P Diddy I heard. Hahaha
1245am- its a new year and I am pouring infinite glasses of champagne.
Turned into a funny night. Overweight suburban white girls dancing to "whoop there it is".
A drunk girl just tried to get me to take my shirt off. I didn't do it of course.
I'm so sticky and wet from drinks being spilled on me.
Back to the grind.
230- girls are either make out with each other, some random dude, or pukin. Shit show for real. Place is TRASHED.
Clean up is gonna suck.
My bartender skills are off the hook. Get them big tips for showin that me-vage. Hahahaha
Lots of "what is that tattoo?! An ostrich neck? A state outline?
Cut me some slack hahaha.
330- party supposed to end in 30 min... Doesn't look like that's happening to be honest.... These people are wasted. I've seen 7 girls fall. Hard. Heels and slippery floors. Not a good combo.
I feel bad for all the mistakes these young ladies are going to make tonight.
Tsk tsk.
Tut tut.
316am- I was wrong about the time last time I wrote.
A girl just puked about 2 cm away from me. I almost puked. Hahah
4am- lights are on and people are starting to sober up (not most) and realize what horrible decisions they made earlier in the night. way to start a new year.
430am- who would puke there? how did cupcake get there? found a blackberry, 4 dollars, and a gold chain on the ground.
what a waste new years hats and beads and whistles are. they are made for one night.... only an hour really..... and then they are left covered in pizza and vomit between the cushions of a sofa at a bar. not very sustainable.
tut to Oriental Trading and their contributions starting a new year by polluting the planet.
double tut to the girl in the blue dress who was stalking Greg all night. skanky display young lady, very skanky display.
5am- just about done scrubbing the floors and counters. it only looks like a landfill now instead of a hell hole.
6am- in a cab. its a new year and i am sober. no drinks needed.
cant wait to get on to my couch.
7am- eyes are closing.... sun is in the sky.
happy new year.

2010 is going to be the best yet.
its a fact.
science tells me so.
and science never lies.

ever.